Reformatory

As in the opposite of "conservatory."

I've realized that the college where I teach is the musical equivalent of reform school. It's sort of the last-chance opportunity for musical screw-ups to get their acts together before the possibility of a musical career passes them by forever.

Did you just come to this country armed with a degree in flute from a foreign university and a lot of bad playing habits?

Welcome to my studio.

Did you screw up so badly in high school that you don't have the grades to get into a decent university music school?

You're mine.

Did you completely whack out during your first year at a high-powered music school because you couldn't handle the pressure?

I'll be putting your psyche back together, Humpty Dumpty style.

Are you a talented musician with little formal training?

I'll be your tour guide into the wonderful world of classical music. Better go buy that metronome now.

I don't usually sit in on the auditions, so when I get my student roster at the beginning of each semester, I never know what strengths, weaknesses, or pathologies await me. And just when I think I've seen or heard everything, a student will come in with a history that's even more bizarre.

Makes me wish I had minored in psychology.